FUNNYACCENT

0809

Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year of 2009.

We get a second snow storm today. There goes my plan to go and check out the ice sculptures around the city.

 

Miles of Smiles for a Whiner.

It takes a lot of effort, I mean a huge effort to make me angry. The past three years since I joined this facility I have no idea how many times I have clients screamed, yelled or acting impossibly rude because they didn't get what they wanted, or their medications supply was stopped because the health insurance benefit was switched, or thier attempts to reestablish a relationship with thier parents/children were rejected because nobody believed them anymore, or so many other reasons.

And when they raised their voices, they expected the same thing in return. And this was an interesting part: They didn't know what to do when they didn't get what they were expected. They wre ready to spit out their frustrations.

We stood facing each other, sometimes I took a couple of steps back, out of the person's reach. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid at the beginning.

It took a few minutes for the person to figure it out.  I didn't respond to him the way he was expecting me to.

I kept my mouth shut, watching closely the person trying to make sense of what he had just said. A lot of times it was nothing to do with me.

He walked away and retraced his steps..

"Aren't you going to say something?"

"Like what?"

"I've just yelled at you like three times. You should yelled back at me."

"Do you think if I yelled back at you, your doctor will give you more dose?"

"Uh? I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you."

"Of course you did. You were frustrated, you didn't know what to do. You vented out at me. But I would like you to remember one thing."

"What?"

" I'm not a pin cushion."

"A pin cushion?Ohhhh...... ? I was a jerk, was I?.  But seriously, don't you get mad when I was rude to you a few minutes ago? I was screaming at you like a  manicac."

"No."

"No? I'm serious you know. Don't you want to yell back at me? You are a staff. You can yell back at me, you know."

"What would you do if somebody else screamed and being rude to you the way you were to me?"

"Are you kidding me? I'll screamed back at them. I don't take other people's crap."

"But you threw your crap at me. "

"Boy, this is embarassing."

"What embarassing you?"

"My behaviour. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Okay. Can we move on?"

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On the other hand, whiners annoy the shit out of me. It doesn't take long to have an annoying expression all over my face.

Once a senior staff told me I have a lot to learn about masking my annoyance. I never saw you got upset or angry, not even once she told me. But when I let my feeling take over, she said she could tell from the tone of my voice and from my expression. The worst part she said, I didn't even make an effort to hide it.

She was right. I tried to hide it under my weak-ass smile. I made an effort. A few times.

 I felt I betrayed myself. It was so chilling. My face muscles crammed. Froze. I didn't like what I felt.

One day without making an effort to say, No, I am not to a client:

Client: Am I annoying you with my whining?

Me      : So you know you're a whiner?

Client: God!!!! Are you telling me I am a whiner?

Me     : I think you know that all along.

I have full respect for people with grand skills and ability to mask their feelings with miles and miles of smiles. I know I have a lot to learn.

But, let me be myself on this one.

Sunday Delight

I went out for a Sunday walk without Mama Z. She called me last night. Sound sick and stuffy. This morning she called me again. Still sick and stuffy, but she had a home made chicken soup, she said.

It wasn't a heavy rain, but it was enough to make me curl up on the sofa with a book I was reading half way through. I decided against the idea. I needed to be out in a fresh air. Salty air.

Across the field, near the water front, I heard a bag pipe music. Liver Life Walk  had just started.

Except for the seagulls, a woman in red rain coat and and her dog and me, the beach was quiet and peaceful.

I had my rain coat on, but I carried an umbrella too. I was hoping to get some shots in the rain. I wasn't disappointed.

Besides getting my running shoes wet, my Walk & Shoot morning turned out pretty good.

 

I wasn't sure what it was, but it bobbed up and down in the water.

 

 

This little sucker took its task seriously. It didn't move one bit when I was moving around the plant trying to get a good shot.

 

High tide, foggy and wet morning.

 

My morning was full of delightful surprises. Something I haven't seen for a long time. Wild mushrooms glistening under the rain.

Be right back with more pictures.

Fly With New Teeth

I was on the phone when Eli (my 70 y.o client) stood outside the door of my office, grinning ear to ear. I made a gesture to come in. He pushed the glass door, stepped in and closed the door behind him, still grinning. I was away for five days and now I noticed something new, something I didn't notice about him two weeks ago.

After I hung up the phone, I turned to face him directly and still trying to figure it out what did I miss. He was still grinning, no how are you doin' Ana as usual. His face seemed fuller. The hollows in both of his cheeks were gone. They looked fleshy as a matter of fact.

Then I gasped, "Oh my goodness Eli, you got a new set of teeth. How wonderful."

"Oh boy Ana, my jaws are hurtin' now. I thought you never noticed my new teeth. How are you doin' . It's good to see you again."

Six months ago Eli was one of *seasoned addicts in recovery who believe only a Recovery Specialist in recovery understands the mind of people like him. When he learned that I would be his counselor he didn't like one bit.

"What do you know about recovery?" He challenged me one day during a group session. "You don't even smoke. What are you going to tell me, I already knew."

Two years ago when the first time I came to this House, I was stump when the client said the same thing to me. I was angry, upset, annoyed at the them to question my ability, and most of all my ego was crushed and stomped over and over.

But, when I look back at the past two years I've been at The House, I know working with challenging (honey dipping difficult) clients are the most rewarding experience anybody could ask for. I've learned so much from them.

Next week Eli is having another surgery on his left eye and the week after a surgery for his prostate cancer.

During a gratitude meeting this morning, one of Eli's buddies joked about Eli's transformation.

"Are sure you are here for a recovery or for a makeover?"

There is no guarantee when these men complete the program and move on with their lives, they will stay sober for the rest of their lives. Most of them have been active more than half of their lives. The most important thing I hope they could bring with them when they leave the program is to use the tool they have all along but didn't know how to use it in a positive way. Their minds.

Gift

A beautiful gift from Kak Asmah (Pak Idrus's wife). Thank you Kak Asmah and Pak Idrus.

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Don't Go Choking On Cotton

Silly me, I should've written precisely about the cotton patch that I put on my tongue. Diz asked me, does the paper leaves the fiber in my mouth?

I use quilted cotton square (the one that we use to dab the toner/astringent and all those crap to clean our face). I folded the cotton square into two before I soaked it in the water. I place it on the tip of my tongue and pressed it lightly to the back of my front teeth. And that's it. Remove it immediately.

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Tell me, is there any better ways to celebrate my 7 miles run this evening other than this --------->?

Candy Dizzy Necklace

A snippet this afternoon during a weekly session with one of my new clients.

"Have you noticed any positive changes in you since you came here two weeks ago?"

"Ohh....yessss," He had  a candy necklace around his neck when he came into my office. He gently pulled the candy from the string and ate them one after another while we talked. He said it helped him to slow down his racing thought. 

"Lovely, would you like to share it with me?"

"The candy? You must be thinking I'm like so rude but I'm not you know I like sharing things with nice people you know what I mean?" The string broke and before he could grab it, a few of pastel color candies escaped from his big hand and fell on the rug.

"Oh not the candy. The positive changes. But thank you for your offer."

From his seat, he bent down from the waist and picked up the candies off the floor. He held the candy between his forefinger and his thumb he blew the candy and threw it into his mouth.

"I take a shower everyday now it is a positive change, right? Why do I feel dizzy?"

"Because your head is almost touching the floor."

Words

What do you say to a 70 year old man when he told you he has a prostate cancer? What are the comforting words do you say to him? How do you console him?

I was ready to leave when he entered my office and sat down without knocking the door or waited for me to say, "Please sit down."

He or any other residents never entered the staff office without knocking the door. And Eli, and old school kind of man never take a seat until you offered him one.

"Ohhh, I'm sorry Eli." And my mind went blank. I took a deep breath and searching for the right words in my brain.

He nodded his head and looked at his wrinkle hands. He turned his left palm faced down and started to pick the bulging veins on the back of his hand. It was the first time I saw him without wide grin exposing his bare gums.

"What else did the doctor tell you?"

The only words he remembered were: a prostate cancer, laser or open surgery. All the time he said while he sat in his seat in a doctor's office, he was trying to find a way to tell his daughter.

"Would you like me to call your daughter?"

He nodded his head but he was still picking at his veins.

I pulled out his file and flipped on consent forms section. As I dialed his daughter's phone number he said, "Ana, I don't think I can talk to her. Could you tell her for me?"

I put down the phone. "You can call her later".

"I talked to her this morning. She said to call her when I get the result."

"Are you sure you want me to tell her?"

 He nodded his head. He lifted up his face and looked at me in the eye for the first time. "Right now I wish I don't have nobody in this world. When he sighed, it seemed a huge chunk of his fear has left his body. He leaned back and waited.

 "Please tell her I will talk to her later tonight."

Eli watched me as I told his daughter as gently as I could. I wondered if he meant it about his wish. Perhaps he did. I remember in one of our weekly sessions a couple of months ago he said he had hurt and disappointed many people in his life for the past 35 years.

Eli's daughter didn't sound surprised nor did she insisted to talk him when she learned Eli was in my office. I was a little bewildered when I put down the phone. She sound so calm. Did she expect the news? I reminded myself every coin has two sides.

"Ana, I'm sorry for asking you a personal question. Do you still have your parents?"

I told him my father died fourteen years ago and my mother joined my father ten years later.

"Did you have a good relationship with them?"

"Yes. I am very fortunate.

"Do you belief in life after death?"

"Eli, why are we talking about death? Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"You'd just asked me the question."

"Life after death? I don't know."

"I think it is more important to live our lives the best we could while we live, don't you think?"

"Absolutely."

I asked him if he meant it about not having anybody in this world. He said he did.

We sat  in silence for the next fifteen minutes and listened to the sound of Pachelbel Canon by the sea from my computer. When the last song stopped, Eli stood up and said he wanted to go up to his room to rest. He said he was glad I didn't say everything will be okay.

I asked him what would be his reaction if I said everything will be okay.

"I will get mad at you." He grinned, exposing his bared gums.

Drives

During a group session this afternoon.

"Two weeks ago we talked about motivation and what motivate us. Anybody likes to add to their list of motivation?"

"Death." A voice from a corner.

I barely heard the voice. All the eyes on him.

"Death? Would you like to talk more about it?"

"I don't want nobody find my bloated dead body somewhere in a gutter. I don't want my dead body left for days in a morgue. I don't want that. That's why I'm here."