What do you say to a 70 year old man when he told you he has a prostate cancer? What are the comforting words do you say to him? How do you console him?
I was ready to leave when he entered my office and sat down without knocking the door or waited for me to say, "Please sit down."
He or any other residents never entered the staff office without knocking the door. And Eli, and old school kind of man never take a seat until you offered him one.
"Ohhh, I'm sorry Eli." And my mind went blank. I took a deep breath and searching for the right words in my brain.
He nodded his head and looked at his wrinkle hands. He turned his left palm faced down and started to pick the bulging veins on the back of his hand. It was the first time I saw him without wide grin exposing his bare gums.
"What else did the doctor tell you?"
The only words he remembered were: a prostate cancer, laser or open surgery. All the time he said while he sat in his seat in a doctor's office, he was trying to find a way to tell his daughter.
"Would you like me to call your daughter?"
He nodded his head but he was still picking at his veins.
I pulled out his file and flipped on consent forms section. As I dialed his daughter's phone number he said, "Ana, I don't think I can talk to her. Could you tell her for me?"
I put down the phone. "You can call her later".
"I talked to her this morning. She said to call her when I get the result."
"Are you sure you want me to tell her?"
He nodded his head. He lifted up his face and looked at me in the eye for the first time. "Right now I wish I don't have nobody in this world. When he sighed, it seemed a huge chunk of his fear has left his body. He leaned back and waited.
"Please tell her I will talk to her later tonight."
Eli watched me as I told his daughter as gently as I could. I wondered if he meant it about his wish. Perhaps he did. I remember in one of our weekly sessions a couple of months ago he said he had hurt and disappointed many people in his life for the past 35 years.
Eli's daughter didn't sound surprised nor did she insisted to talk him when she learned Eli was in my office. I was a little bewildered when I put down the phone. She sound so calm. Did she expect the news? I reminded myself every coin has two sides.
"Ana, I'm sorry for asking you a personal question. Do you still have your parents?"
I told him my father died fourteen years ago and my mother joined my father ten years later.
"Did you have a good relationship with them?"
"Yes. I am very fortunate.
"Do you belief in life after death?"
"Eli, why are we talking about death? Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"You'd just asked me the question."
"Life after death? I don't know."
"I think it is more important to live our lives the best we could while we live, don't you think?"
"Absolutely."
I asked him if he meant it about not having anybody in this world. He said he did.
We sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes and listened to the sound of Pachelbel Canon by the sea from my computer. When the last song stopped, Eli stood up and said he wanted to go up to his room to rest. He said he was glad I didn't say everything will be okay.
I asked him what would be his reaction if I said everything will be okay.
"I will get mad at you." He grinned, exposing his bared gums.
What do you say? Just what you did. You are a good woman, Ana, and he's lucky he had you to help him. And I hope it really will be OK.
Posted by: beth | May 29, 2008 at 07:59 PM
Ana, Just be honest to him. He had enjoyed life all those years. This is just a hic up on that journey of life. Tell him to move on and continue to enjoy life to the fullest and take it that Life is like that. Have a nice day.
Posted by: Pak Idrus | May 28, 2008 at 03:36 AM
oh ana...it's hard huh! i just heard the news that hubby's sixteen-year old niece has a high chance of being diagnosed with leukimea (sp?). i went to see her but I dont know what to say to her and all i could muster was "take care"
Posted by: mama rock | May 26, 2008 at 06:13 AM
My apologies. I only took the elective PSY 101 which I hated :-)
But once one of my staff, while ending his evening shift, got into an accident at work and broke both of his legs. I had to go to his house and inform his wife and bring her to the hospital.
I had absolutely no idea what to say. It was terrifying.
Posted by: Gurindam Jiwa | May 26, 2008 at 03:26 AM
Gurindam Jiwa,
They DID teach that at my psychology school. My professor told us he would fail any of us if we dare say to a patient everything will be ok.
And I think if Ana has been in my class, she would definitely come out of it as top student.
:)
Posted by: Pecicilan | May 26, 2008 at 01:08 AM