Three years ago when I heard the phrases like wedding bells, I thought they were talking about the wedding, or somebody had a broken window pane, or I might have said, "....aaahhhh, I love blue moon, it's a lovely song...", or Bart Simpsons is a riot when they were actually referred to LSD.
Once, during an assessment I praised a new client for stayed sober for almost a year. She had been in and out from detox centers more than 10 times in less than two years.
She looked down at her hands on her lap, picking on at an old cut on her left thumb. All her ten finger nails were crooked. The tips of her fingers raw and swollen. She must've had gnawed and chewed them for a long time. My body shivered by just looking at her ravaged cuticles.
She clasped her hands hard, she shifted her body forward and leaned back, but she still didn't say anything. I started to wonder if I had offended her by praising her.
"I tossed up my own brother." I barely heard the words let alone understood what she meant.
"Sorry?"
"Toss up, strawberry, raspberry......."
"Ooohhh......... " Damn. I'm screwed. " I wish there was a chapter in Sociology text book under "Awkward Moment: Chapter 7-What To Say When Your New Client Told You She Traded Sex for Drug With Her Brother She Never Knew.
I cleared my throat. "You don't have to tell me. You would be more comfortable when you talk to your therapist."
"It's okay. I want to tell you about this . They said you awight."
She didn't know the man was her brother. She didn't even know she had a brother. She was DSS child. She couldn't remember how many foster parents she had. Ten? fifteen? She hated them all except one. She lost touch with the only foster mother who loved her. She hoped one day they would meet again.
One night, on a greasy floor at the back of the truck , a transaction took place. On top of that she managed to snatch the man's wallet before he drove off.
She never bothered to look at the ID before, all she interested was the cash. She threw everything else in a trash. But this time when she looked at the last name and the middle name, she felt the earth underneath her feet opened up and swallowed her whole being.
She tried to convince herself that a lot of people share the last name, but what about the middle name? It was dark at the back of the truck, but looking at the man's photo ID she knew she wasn't hallucinating.
She called her PO and told her she was ready to enter the rehab program. Three months later she entered The House.
Like most of the past and the present Residence I've been working with, they have learning disabilities that have never been diagnosed. One day she saw a stack of my books on the window sill.
"You always read something or write in your journal during your lunch break. Don't you get tired of reading?"
"No, I enjoy reading. I'm lost if I let the day pass without reading."
"Are those books yours? Can I take a look at them?" She picked The Dream of Water a memoir by Kyoko Mori.
"I'll lend it to you if you like to read it. The story was written beautifully."
"Nahh....it's too much for me. Most of the time I can't remember what I read or I don't understand at all."
"Have you ever read out loud, loud enough you could hear your own voice?"
"Noooooo....Ana! Are you crazy? People think I'm nut reading out loud?"
I held out my hand to the book. I opened the pages randomly and read read the passage on page 89 loud enough for both of us could hear my voice.
"So your father had an affair all along?"
"I don't know, but he was seeing Michiko for a few years before my motherr's death. I know that."
Keiko picks up and puts down her iced coffee, which is completely watered down. The women next to us are getting ready to leave, gathering their pusrses and summer jackets. "I used to wonder how much you knew." Keiko says. "I wasn't sure if you were old enough back then."
"I didn't fugure everything out at the time, but soon afterward. Ken Nichan told me some things, too, yesterday."
"Men are often unfaithful." Keiko grimaces and then forces a smile. "You must undestand that for yourself. You can't expect them not to fall in love and flirt with someone else. You shouldn't think it is a cirsis every time they have an affair. Affairs aren't always serious." She shrugs. "There's not much you can do about some flaws in human nature. You shouldn't judge your father too harshly. He's nopt the first man to be unfaithful to his wife." She nods as if to say, We all understand this.
Wait a minute, I want to say. His being a man has nothing to do with it.
"That is wrong!!! That Kaiko woman excused the girl's father for being unfaithful." Her eyes blazed with excitement.
"How do you know the man is the girl's father?"
She looked at me like I'm an idiot.
"It says in the book, right? I heard it when you read it."
"You see, I only read less than a page and you already picked up the story. Some people have to read loud enough to hear their own voices so they could understand. It is normal."
She seemed reluctant to say it, but finally she asked me. "Ana, I know you're busy, but would it be too much if you could read me a page or two every time I see you?"
"How could I say no when you put it so perfect."
We set the time. Every day after she returned from methadone clinic, I would read her two pages untill she was comfortable to read by herself.
When we got into 12 pages she said I read too slow and she liked to read it herself. She couln't wait to learn what happened to that poor woman (author's mother).
One day she came running down to my office and held out her hand. A gray Boston Public Library card nestled in her palm. She had a big smile as it was an AMEX Titanium card.
Last year she moved into her own apartment. She completed her GED. She knew she has a long way to go, but she was clean and sober. She had to take her depressant and bipolar medications regularly and continued to see her therapist.
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