FUNNYACCENT

Life Without A Heart

Once Upon a Time, I Held My Heart In My Hands

I held a heart
in my hands
it was alive
bruised, scratched and
cracked
all over it

Whose heart was it?
I am yours
the heart said
How could you
be mine?
I have your name on
me, said the heart
Where?
How did you know?

Look at those lines,
said the heart
They were not scratches
They spelled my name.

Dreams and Wishes

The silence walks with me from the train station to my apartment. Hear no birds singing, I don't even see the birds on the trees. They must have known the rain is on its way. As a matter of fact I haven't seen any birds for the past three days nor that I've heard them singing.
A couple of squirrels slide down from oak tree. I spot tiny buds sprouting out from the branches. They are waiting for the right moment to come out. The third squirrel is hanging upside down from a washed out fence of Mrs. Kon. The squirrel has an acorn in its mouth. Mrs. Kon little vegetable garden had been cleared since last winter. Last year she had two patches of Bak Choi and a half patch of bird chillies. The bird chillies did not have chillies at all, only a palm size leaves grew all over the trees. My mother said trees that grow more leaves when they are supposed to are mabuk daun drunk of leaves.

I've always want to live in a house where I can have a fair amount of back yard and front yard. One day I will.

Hand Made Quilt Wraps My Heart.

I put this quilt together 6 years ago. I started it as a wall hanging project, as the pieces of pictures accumulated, P gave an idea. Why not making a bedspread? Why not. So, it became a bed spread big enough to cover a queen bed. Since then, I've been making a few baby quilts for friends. One thing I've learnt, handmade bed spread is not like a ready made bed spread. I have no idea how many times my quilt has been washed and tumbled in a dryer, but it has become a comfort to me. I guess that is why it is called a comforter.

Hope and Heart Desire

Erik Weihenmayer

Five nights a week on my way to get to the bus #39, I pass this poster. It's on the wall of the hallway at Back Back Station. Out of curiousity I stopped to read what was this Climb Everest Blind about. I jotted down his name in my note book. I looked up his name on internet the next day, and what I read about him made me thinking how far apart he is, a legally blind man and standing tall from the rest of us who are legally unblind.
Erik Weinhenmayer, he is not only blind, he had reached all the Seven Summits. Dang.........The highest mountain I ever climbed was Gunung Ledang in Johor 20 years ago. The mountain was 1,267 meter high and there were five of us.

It's Repulsive, It's Gory, But I Can't Put It Down.

I was on the last page of chapter two Over the Moat by James Sullivan when I picked up In the Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami.
Over the Moat is an interesting book, and I've always enjoy reading other people's experience in foreign countries. But, out of my life long habit of reading multiple books at one time I poured through chapter one of In Miso Soup when Becker just came on the air. By the time Becker was over I was on chapter two.

Reading In the Miso Soup reminded me of riding a train in a Haunted House at Magic Mountain manymany years ago. It was thrilling, it was exciting, the ghosts, skeletons and hideous disfigured dismembered corpses jumped at you when you were least expected.
With chilling but simple language Kenji, an observant narrator took me to the heart of Tokyo's red district to meet the misfit characters. Without being judmental, Ryu Murakami the author and Ralph F. McCarthy the skillful tranlator hooked me up from the first chapter until the in less than 36 hours.

Breathing Lesson

I've been practicing 7-1-7 on and of a breathing method taught by Sufi teacher Hamid to his student Reshad Feild in The Last Barrier.
I heard a few times before that it's better to seek a teacher that can teach a student face to face.

Being a Woman

I was annoying at Padmini. She was not only bitter, her negative attitude was as long as Ganges River.

When Words Become Worthless

I started work four hours sooner than my regular hours. While reading a previous entries, U, one of the residents knocked the door and entered the room. She greeted me with wide smile showing her tobacco stain teeth. I should've not surprised by her sudden frinedlyness, but I have. Since she was admitted a month ago, she has this iceberg attitude toward me and the other morning staff.

She only talks to us when she needs something or when she wants to get her medication. And when she talks to us she never looked in our face.
Someitmes I'm tired of this kind of blame it on everybody except myself attitude from most of the residents, I feel like saying something. But, the voice inside my head reminds me "this not about you, this is about them".
One day she stands sideway in front of me. Instead of looking in my direction, she talks to the wall.

"I need some quarters to do a laundry."
"Excuse me U, I am right here."
She turns 45 degree, looks in my direction but her eyes fixs on the wall behind me.
The silence seems like 26.4 miles.
"I need some quarters to do a laundry."
"Yesterday. your case manager already gave you four dollars."
"No, she didn't."
"It's in a log book."She snorts and leave the room. I take long breath from my gut.

I say hello everytime I see her, either she just says, hmmm.....or just keep walking as I am not exist.
After half a dozen times I leave her alone.
And tonight she suddenly turns to goody-goody and friendly. I don't want to be skeptical , so I wait what is next.

She's chatty and rattles about what she did earlier today. She pulls her curly hair and twines around her fingers. Her long glitter purple fake nails sparkle under the light. She leans on the door framed. Her pupils shift and she blinks rapidly.

"I want to borrow $20.00." She blurts out.
"You know about the policy."
She rolls her eyes.
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
"Oh.....come on, it's not like I'm not gonna pay you."
"It's more than that, Z."
"Oh.... you people been talking behind my back? What kind of place is this? You people listen to what we talk about, write in that stupid book." Her voice rises and her green veins looks like they are ready to pop out of her pale neck.

I lean back and let her steams out. This is not the first time she burst out like that. She expects me to respond to her outburst, or least get defensive of what we do. I keep quiet instead and let her rattles on. Finally, she stops when she realizes the other women in the dining room are looking at us.
All the eyes are on us.

"I'll leave a note under your case manager's door. She'll talk to you when she gets here later. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Is that all you can say?"
"That's all I can say, Z."
She snorts and moves from the doorway.

Time Warp On Earth

This morning, I was pleased with myself thinking I was 40 minutes early getting to work. As soon as I walked in Vic the manager said, " You never late before, so what's going on?"
"Excuse me? I am 40 mintues early." I pulled up the sleeve of my jacket, raised my hand showed him my watch.
" I knew it, I knew." He slapped the counter and laughed.
Then it hit me, oh.....shoot, it must be the one hour lost daylight thing.
I was so tired, I went to bed early and I had no idea I was supposed to get into time warp and move one hour ahead.
And top of that today is 4404. How about that?

Unforgetable Places

My father was already in the army way before I was born. So, the first ten years of my life, my family moved around a lot from one army base to another. There are places I can barely remember because I was too young. But Pengkalan Chepa family quarters is one of many places my mind frequently visit long after we left the place. Even now, from time to time, I see myself as a four years young little girl sitting under the kriang tree at the far end of the right corner soccer field.
Our house was on the front row, number three from the right. I could see it from under the tree.