About two months ago I learned that my ego hasn't shrunk as much as I've expected. Wouldn't be wonderful if our egoistic thought and behavior shrink as we aged? But that would be no point. In order to grow and move up to a higher level of consciousness we have to learn and discover everything we possibly could about our inner selves. Or is it possible by skipping the learning part we can move up to a higher level of consciousness?
And now I'm confusing myself.
Sometimes in early October last year I referred one of my clients to a long term transitional living program. He had a full time job. Since he entered the program he had shown some positive changes in self sufficiency, but like most of the people in recovery that I've been working with, he saw himself as a victim. He was defensive and clung to his bitterness as his life was depended on it.
A week after I referred him, they called him for an interview. The next day he told me he didn't like the people who interviewed him. They asked me too many personal questions. They said if I worked more than 60 hours I won't have time to attend the AA meetings. Who they think they are? He went on an on until I asked him, "Would you like me to call them and let them know that you change your mind?"
"What? No. Who said I change my mind."
A week later the interview he relapsed. He denied it when I asked him. He swore on his mother's grave.
"When did your mother die?"
"Three months ago."
"I am sorry. Please accept my condolence. So your mother and your stepfather died at the same time?"
He knew he caught in his own web. He admitted he had a sip. His stepfather and his mother were still very much alive somewhere in Northshore.
He asked me not to inform the people at transitional program . I told him after the interview he had with them, they weren't going to ask me any more questions about him except to informe me if he was accepted.
"But if they ask you tell them I'm fine. Tell them I didn't relapse."
"K, they will not call me and ask me anymore questions about you. They already did when I referred you the first time. And all the questions they wanted to ask, they already asked you at the interview. You told me the interview was tough. Four persons asked you at the same questions, you said."
"Yeah....I know. But in case they ask you, lie to them."
I thought I missed some words in the last sentence he had just said. I asked him to repeat again.
Nonchalantly , he repeated, "Lie to them."
I remember clearly the ringing in my ears. The heat slowly rose up to my spine and spread to my stomach and up to my chest. My heart beat faster and my breath became shallow. I held my breath as long as I could.
I looked at his face. The deep lines and sagging skins of 30 years of hard drinking on his face made him looked him 15 years older than 53 years old.
I turned around and looked outside the window of my office. I counted the empty terracotta pots stacked in four, four, six and five in a row in a community garden 30 or 35 feet away from my window. I didn't notice before the four posts of the picket fence of the community garden had three different sizes.
"Are you mad at me?"
I turned around and looked at him. He had a half smile and more of what's the big deal? kind of expression on his face.
I wanted so bad to lash out at him by saying things that would have had upset him, things would have had hurt him.
How dare you to insult me after all I have done for you. Just because you've lived and breathed with lies you expect people will lie for you. Just because...............
I stopped my thought before it became out of control. I asked him to leave my office.
For days I went around feeling awful. Like knots twisted in my stomach. The more I thought about it the more I became angry at myself. The thought that pulled and gnawed my core. Horrified at my arrogance. Angry at myself for getting insulted, for getting personal. It wasn't him I was angry at. It was me. I was mortified at my reaction and most of all I felt sick to even think about my expectation from them.
During those two weeks, when I took a shower, I stood under a running water and visualized the water to wash away my anger, my arrogance and my foolishness until I shivered.
This self discovery journey wears me down.
